My Eagles vs the Patriots: The 5 Stages of Death

The Sports Rant

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This Sunday, my Philadelphia Eagles are being sent to the slaughterhouse. They will be facing the unstoppable juggernauts known as the New England Patriots…… in New England.

So far, the Patriots have slaughtered every helpless team that they’ve faced while Bill Billichek laughs on the sidelines. They are heartless killers who stomp on every other team’s hopes and dreams. And they don’t even care what the score is. They just keep scoring while the other team begs for mercy. They will rip out your heart from your chest and offer it to Billichek while it’s still beating. According to the Patriots, there are only 2 types of fans: those who are Patriots fans and those who suck!

Knowing that my Eagles are being sent to certain death, I read up on Elizabeth Kubler-Ross‘ book, “On Death and Dying.” In it, she identified five stages that a dying patient experiences when informed of their terminal prognosis.

The stages that Kubler-Ross identified are:

  • Denial (this isn’t happening to my Eagles!)
  • Anger (why is this happening to my Eagles? The NFL hates my Eagles)
  • Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if my Eagles beat the Patriots)
  • Depression (I don’t care anymore. I hate football anyways!)
  • Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes. Bring on the stomping!)

I am currently in the first stage. That’s why I believe that the Patriots are not going to stomp all over my Eagles. No, they won’t slaughter my Eagles because my Eagles have just won 2 games in a row. We are confident and ready. Please note that I am not stupid. I never said that my Eagles were going to beat the Patriots. I just said that they will not get stomped on. I believe that it wont happen, I believe that it wont happen, I believe that it wont happen …..

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